Today has been better than yesterday. Mostly. See the thing is when you have a BIG problem underlying everything it's hard to just take a day as it is. But I'm trying.
I chose to let my house fall to shambles today. I decided that I needed/deserved a respite. (This means that I can no longer find my favorite slippers or any surface area in the kitchen, but what the hell I'll deal tomorrow).
I woke up lazy today and stayed in bed talking to the Husband before he went to bed. When Peanut arose she piped up that she wanted pancakes. I'm not a big hot breakfast morning mom (I keep trying to be but I'm just not), but I thought you know what pancakes sound yummy. So pancakes we had. Even Nugget. That boy is rejecting "baby" food more and more for "big kid" food. He's only 9 mo for criminitly. That was nice. Then I have a bit of a blank as to what I did. (Oh yeah finished feeding and dressing boy-o and taking shower). I let Peanut watch a TON of Mr Rogers videos on line because really it's Mister Rogers. It's like the one show on the face of the planet that doesn't cause brain rot in kids. (IMO) The Hubby woke up WAAAYYYYY too early so we decided to go do drive bys of the houses we are contemplating looking at to maybe/possibly buy. After that it was lunch at Subway and then an impromptu trip the the movie theater to see "How to Train Your Dragon" (excellent movie). Home again we all hung out in the back yard for and hour-ish before I made a delicious meal of spaghetti-o's and beets. (OK well at least it was sustenance) My husband was going to grab a shower and help put the kids to bed....but he made the mistake of laying down. the dude's had so very little sleep this week I just decided to let him be. I got the kidlets to bed with no fuss from the Nugget and tons from miss sassy Peanut. But over all a decent bedtime.
So see not that bad a day as a matter of fact really good day, almost great. If only this darn personal gray cloud would stop following me I think I'd be able to appreciate it. I know I'm whining but too bad. I need to. I'm just so very mad at the world right now for too many reasons. I'm mad at me and at my Husband. I'm mad at how difficult life is and how no matter how many times I pull myself up there is always something coming at me that I'm not ready to handle. I'll like for just once in my 28 years of life to stand on solid ground. I'd like just one day a whole 24 hours all to myself with no responsibilities. No worrying about kids. No having to pump. No needing to watch alcohol intake. No having to be home at a certain time because I have to make sure everyone else has a life that runs smoothly.
I finally got a hold of my sister and talked with her a bit. She said "Honey, I think you need to come and visit me for a few days." I said "I think I do too. However, on Sunday Peanut has a costume fitting and then goes to her dad's, on Monday I have a doctor's appointment and a show to do, on Tues Mischief goes to the vet and Nugget goes to the Doc, Weds I get Peanut back again AND she has dance, Thursday Peanut has School. How bout Friday?" See this is me running my ass off. And every week is like this. Every time I think I have stuff organized, scheduled, etc. I find that really 24 hours in a day isn't that long at all and I'm out of time yet again.
*bangs head on wall* I'm feeling very bitter right now. This was not THE PLAN. I wasn't going to be some tied down mom. I would NEVER EVER trade my children for anything. But I would really like it if everyone here could just give me a break and I could stop for just a bit. Stop DOING and have a chance just to BE. Just me. Not mom, not wife, not daughter, sister, friend, confidant, jungle gym, storyteller, game maker, and so on, just me, the one, the only, with no substitutions, extensions or refunds. (ohhh look I attempted humor here).
OK my pity party is over for today, come back tomorrow if you want more. (This may be the theme for a while until I work out my issue/s). Hope you can stand it. If not, well don't read for a bit.