So as requested this blog is supposed to be about me (and only me). I find that so hard to do as I have so many roles that I "play". They cover Daughter, sister, mother, wife and just me. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish cuz the lines can get blurred. and each of those roles has subcategories. But when I think about me only a few things come to mind. Mostly old things. I think I miss myself.
I used to sing, not just sing but SING. On stage, crowd applause, humming, thrumming, moving Singing that evoked all kinds of emotions in me. And now I don't. Oh I'm not saying that I never crack a note. Just that it's been reduced to singing with the radio and singing soft lullabies to half awake kidlets. And I miss it. I didn't even notice how much until a few years ago when I joined the community theater for their musical, and then it all came rushing back. I've thought of joining community choir, I know some guys who are in it, but problem is I want to be the star. I want a mass of fawning adoring fans all clamoring for me to sing "just one more song!" However, in retrospect I'm not sure any throng would sound as sweet as hearing that same phrase coming from my Peanut.
I also used to be braver. I didn't care what anybody thought of me. I would walk right up to people and let them know what I thought. Or ask them where they got something. Or what have you. I let this be trained out of me over the years. By people who made me feel stupid for asking questions, or others who didn't have time to give me a proper response. I'm trying to come out of this odd fear. I keep reminding myself that I spent 18 years being outspoken and wild, yes that means I've had ten years to be all meek and mousy, but that vivacious me was there longer. I should just have to dig her out. right?
I've been doing a lot of personal searching since my mom died. (I hate typing that. It's so final. The term dead, or died. There are so many softer ways to say it. But the truth is that she died, she is not here). I've been searching for who I am so that I can live a life free from regret, free from fear, free from anything that inhibits my limited time in this world. (I'm not trying to be fatalistic, just realistic, we aren't here forever, no matter what we may wish). That means a lot of finding the whys. And some of that is hard to analyze.
In the sub title of my blog it states that I'm a tiger mama. This is a term that my sister coined. It's a way that she uses to describe those of us mothers who would fight to the death for our kids. (and yes that is many of us) but there is something more to it than that, much more. In my mind it's about being fearless in facing the world, showing your children that while you would do anything to protect them, you also want to show them how to protect themselves. How to begin as they plan to continue. And to quote the Hatter from the new "Alice in Wonderland" I think I have lost my "muchness".
I'd like nothing better than to work it all out right here and now. But the truth is that the time for self analysis is minimal. Between chores and caring for kids, errands and work, there is little time to sit and ponder my id, ego and whatnot. I think that right now it's enough that I know I have things to work on. That I'm not just going to brush those parts of me under the table, I'm going to work on digging them out and rediscovering them.
For more Spins check out Sprite's Keeper.